Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Sure, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.

"It's going to be huge. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully from put. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")

Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Indeed, confident, let's have Yet another location where American Adult males can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: supply Everybody a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

Based on paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"That is soft ability," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he really should stop applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested concerning the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."

Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head seen from Place, a feature becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, classified.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after finding the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It can be not merely hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Baffling Features

Probably the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium exactly where attendees may contemplate vague disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local weather Management established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Area Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Promoting System: "For those who Bomb It, They may Arrive"

The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Endlessly."

Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."

Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it might stabilize the world"

29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

18% mentioned "wherever's the closest elevator for the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"

The project is presently attracting attention from Worldwide traders, which include:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may also contain:

A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War

Comment Portion Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Won't be able to hold out to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"At last, a lodge in which my PTSD might have change-down company."

A Trump Tower Damascus different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reports suggest:

China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Closing Thoughts from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In the closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave it all three. You're welcome."